Xbox Announces New Strategy is to “Just Give Up” in Hopes Competition Will Feel Sorry for Them

Xbox is like the divorced parent who keeps trying new things to win us back. “Look! Look! We have Call of Duty now! You like Call of Duty, right? Does that mean you like us? No? Is it because we don’t have enough studios? Because I can buy more studios if that’ll make you happy. Here, have GamePass for a dollar—please, just come back to me! I hate seeing you with those weird Japanese companies; you’d look much better with an American company!” As hard as they try, they just don’t have the goods. No amount of extra features or flashy acquisitions will get us to switch unless they deliver on the one thing they’re supposed to: great games. After all, that’s what a gaming console is supposed to be about, right?

The latest news came after the announcement of the Game of the Year nominees, where, for the 10th straight year, Xbox has failed to secure a single first-party game nomination in that category (and yes, we’re not kidding). Meanwhile, PlayStation has enjoyed a decade of Game of the Year nominations, looking like the cool kid in class while Xbox sits in the back, wondering where it all went wrong.

Microsoft’s own Billy Gates took to AskJeeves to post the following about the direction of their company: “Another year, another disappointment for Xbox. We’ve tried nothing, and we’re all out of ideas. I think we’ll just give up, honestly. I’m exhausted. Phil Spencer is exhausted from doing nothing. Todd Howard is exhausted from lying about features in his games. And 343 Studios is exhausted from telling their fans that the next Halo game will get it right. Yeah, I think we’ll just give up.”

They’ve been telling fans that the next big thing is always just around the corner, that they’ve learned from their past mistakes. One more studio closure, one more crack at a franchise, and things will finally be set right. First, it was Halo 5, then ReCore, then Quantum Break, then Halo Infinite, then Redfall, and now Starfield. The list goes on and on. Microsoft even resorted to buying Activision Blizzard, a studio known for making good games, because they couldn’t be bothered to do it themselves.

Billy wrapped up his statement with: “It feels like we’re getting racially profiled because we can’t get any Asian games on our console. All you nerds seem to love Tifa’s massive bazongas, but we have to pay extra just to get the game on our console, while PlayStation gets exclusive deals. I don’t know, but it seems pretty racist to me.”

In the end, it seems Xbox’s new strategy is less about innovation and more about hoping the competition will eventually feel sorry for them. Perhaps their real plan is to take a step back, embrace mediocrity, and wait for the inevitable "we tried" participation award. Who knows, maybe next year they’ll launch a console that only plays Call of Duty and Halo, slap a “retro” label on it, and call it a win. But for now, the most exciting thing coming from Xbox seems to be their ability to set a new low for "trying too hard" while delivering absolutely nothing. At least they’ve got GamePass, right? That’s something... we guess? 

Source: Trust me, bro.