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Ubisoft has once again broken genius-level ground in an announcement that’s sure to leave the industry reeling: Septuple-A Gaming. Yes, you read that correctly—seven A's, because why stop at four when you can just keep adding letters until your competitors and customers don’t even know what the hell you are talking about anymore?
The announcement came straight from the desk of Ubisoft President Yves Guillemot, who took to LinkedIn of all places to drop the bombshell. "From the brilliant minds that brought you Quadruple-A gaming, we’re already prepared to deliver the next four generations of gaming at once, with AAAAAAA gaming. You better get the 3 numbers on the back of your parents credit card ready, because this sh*t is the f***in’ future."
This news is particularly shocking, considering Ubisoft’s very recent introduction of Quadruple-A gaming—a concept that has, up until now, been completely baffling to gamers and tech experts alike. The first of these ultra-advanced AAAA titles they released was, of course, Skull and Bones. This game was so technologically cutting-edge that no system could run it without a multitude of performance issues and a plethora of game-breaking bugs.
The director of Skull and Bones had this to say shortly after the game’s Metacritic score hit 0.4 "The problem with creating Quadruple-A games is that the hardware we have now was only ever designed to handle Triple-A games. Introducing that fourth element of excellence in game design and programming means these machines can’t process the godlike greatness we’ve developed. It’s not our fault—blame your PlayStation 5 for being a garbage caveman console. We’re talking about quadruple the water physics, quadruple the icons on the map, and quadruple the loading screens. Much like Tony Stark’s dad said, we’re simply limited by the technology of our time."
While that quote has aged as well as a wet pancake in a bathtub, it raises an important question: How on Earth does Ubisoft plan to justify AAAAAAA gaming to the industry now? Guillemot’s LinkedIn post provides some insight: "By announcing this many A’s all at once, we’ve secured our spot as one of the greats in the gaming industry. Much like the bit wars, we can confidently shut down our competition for years to come. The best part? It’s been shockingly easy to add additional A’s to our games. If we keep this up, we might even be able to avoid going bankrupt, which I personally think, would be just fantastic."
Ubisoft is, of course, known for many things, but “one of the greats” isn't exactly on that list. Recent titles have done little to inspire gamers to part with their hard-earned cash. But who knows? Perhaps this bold new approach will confuse some of the more simple-minded folk. After all, AAAAAAA gaming just rolls off the tongue, and that level of branding wizardry might be enough to convince people that Ubisoft is onto something revolutionary.
Source: Trust me, bro.
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