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Stellar Blade developer Shift Up made waves in the gaming industry in 2024 with their release of Stellar Blade AKA the “Mommy Milk Maker Physics Simulator”. The game sold incredibly well and received high praise from players, with some commenting that they played it so much their “right hands began to cramp up.” Apparently, the almost entirely male development team faced similar issues while creating the game and "stress testing the physics system." All that hard work paid off though, as Shift Up was able to give every one of their employees a unique bonus this year due to the game's strong sales. Each employee received a fully synthetic sex doll of their choice as a reward for doing such a stellar job (pun intended).
"Rewarding nerds is hard because all of their hobbies are extremely expensive," said CEO Kefka Palazzo. "Warhammer, Magic the Gathering, PC gaming—y'know, all that nerd stuff—is more expensive than gold. So we thought, instead of giving our employees a financial bonus that they’d just blow on meaningless plastic, we'd give them something that might help them relax a bit. Each and every employee was able to choose their own highly realistic sex doll, and we delivered it to them." Apparently, for the few women working at the studio, they were given $25 gift cards to Blockbuster instead.
This type of bonus is unheard of, even for adult entertainment companies. Many of the employees were reportedly quite pleased with their gifts. "To our surprise, most employees defaulted to choosing a doll of Eve herself(Sellar Blade’s protagonist), which gave me a great marketing idea. But some of the other choices really surprised us. Some of the most noteworthy ones were Fiona from Shrek (in ogre form), Ms. Frizzle from The Magic School Bus (also in ogre form), and Sandy Cheeks from SpongeBob. Legally, we had to look into that last one, but apparently, beastiality laws only exist for real animals, so we were good to go. Putting in that particular order was definitely a low point in my career though, I have to say."
Now that Shift Up has opened the doors for this kind of reward system, one has to wonder if other companies will follow suit. Imagine 343 Studios giving out assault rifles, EA handing out real-life loot boxes filled with disappointment, and Square Enix probably just sticking with sex dolls as well.
Shift Up's CEO mentioned that employee retention has reached an all-time high, and they've seen a "significant" reduction in company time spent on adult websites during company time. The only downside is that many employees have been bringing their dolls to work, forcing the company to add something they call a "FuckPantry™" where people can use their breaks to "alleviate stress."
Conversely, the cleaning bills for the building have nearly tripled since the delivery of the items for some reason. "Gotta spend money to make money, am I right?" the CEO chuckled as he told reporters, heading towards the "FuckPantry™" himself.
Source: Trust me, bro.
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