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Poor Insomniac’s Spider-Man. It seems like every new game they release is dragged through the mud with controversy. Spider-Man (2018) had PuddleGate, where gamers claimed the low-quality puddles were a metaphor for Spider-Man’s disdain for people of color. Spider-Man 2 was accused of being an allegory for white supremacy, as Spider-Man unashamedly took part in blackface (via symbiote suit, obviously) and beat on minority Miles Morales. Insomniac even proudly declared that “Black” Spider-Man was something they always wanted to do—an announcement that personally makes me physically ill.
Now, Spider-Man 3 is already stirring up its own controversy, as the universally loathed Mary Jane gameplay sections from the previous two games will be the exclusive focus of the next title.
“When people are pissed off, that’s when you know you’ve done something right,” says creative director Bryan “Burning Bush Lover” Intihar. “Nobody liked the Mary Jane sections in our first Spider-Man game. No one liked them when we doubled down in the second game. Does this mean we’re out of touch? No. It’s the gamers who are wrong.”
Apparently, there have been serious internal disputes at Insomniac over this decision. One anonymous developer reported that their boardroom meetings played out like Star Wars prequel discussions whenever someone dared to suggest cutting Jar-Jar Binks.
“We told him it ruined the pacing. We told him none of the testers enjoyed it. We even told him that turning those sections into a 30-second cutscene would be 100% easier to develop, 1000% cheaper to make, and 10,000% more enjoyable. He slammed his fists on the table and screamed at us like he was the CEO of Costco and we just suggested raising the price of the hot dog. Can’t say we didn’t try though.”
These Mary Jane sections will take up the entirety of Spider-Man 3’s 70-hour campaign. Even worse, Insomniac is doubling down on its roots of emergent “Jane-type” gameplay by removing the stun gun she had in Spider-Man 2 and replacing it with an LG Rumor cell phone for even less intense stealth sections. Now, you might be thinking: How will this be a Spider-Man game without Spider-Man?
Well, Insomniac has thought of that too.
With her trusty flip phone, Mary Jane will be able to text Peter Parker using a wide variety of borderline toxic girlfriend messages, such as:
“I know you asked me to grab some rice from the store, but all they have is Uncle Ben’s. Is that cool? Or is it too soon?”
“Peter, I don’t want to hear about your two jobs, dead friends, dead parents, dead uncle, recently deceased aunt, financial struggles, constant hardships, or insane levels of stress from being so heavily relied on to save lives. I am your girlfriend and I am sad so you need to pay attention to meeee.”
“You know that old guy at Mick's restaurant? The one that said ‘Love seeing you two together again. You always were my favorites.” Well he just texted me a picture of his wrinkled weiner…”
We already hated the Mary Jane sections in the previous games, so this announcement is a massive bummer. Knowing Sony’s recent track record, they’ll probably go a step further and announce it’s an online-only title, turning it into a MMJMO (Massively Mary Jane Multiplayer Online) game. Yeah, that sounds about right.
Source: Trust me, bro.
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