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Nintendo has patiently waited its turn while Xbox and Sony have rolled out their new-gen consoles. True to form, Nintendo has decided to wait until it's no longer awkward for them to join the current generation. The Nintendo Switch, which is still running on the raw power of a TI-83 graphing calculator, has been silently observing as other companies release handhelds that make it look like a toy from the 90s.
The Steam Deck, ROG Ally, and even the Tiger Electronics handheld Pinball Machine have been taking over the handheld market lately. But fear not, for Nintendo has answered our prayers. They've announced that we'll soon be able to transfer our entire paycheck to Japan with the release of their most powerful console yet: the Nintendo Switch 2—or as it’s officially known, the Nintendo Switch Super Ultra Mega Machine + Special Edition (or NSSUMM+SE for short).
Before you rush to grab your credit card and dive into a waiting room flooded with bots who’ll snag all the consoles before you even have a chance to think of the three numbers on the back of your credit card, let’s break down what information was released
In an announcement made by Mario’s mom, Shigeru Miyamoto, he laid out exactly what players can expect from their new NSSUMM+SE.
“First of all, I want to make it clear that while this is our ‘next-gen’ console, it’s not the Nintendo Switch 2. That’s exactly what you nerds expect of us, and if there’s one thing we hate doing, it’s giving nerds exactly what they want. That’s why we did no virtual console for you, haha.”
Miyamoto continued, “Think of this console like how the toploader was to the NES or how the toaster oven is to the toaster—different, but still pretty much the same. We’ve tested this thing, and we’re proud to say it can run Game Freak’s most graphically demanding titles at up to 24 FPS. These are targets that have never been heard of for a Nintendo console, by the way.”
These announcements have fans in a frenzy, but not for the reasons you might expect. Instead of complaints, comment sections are filled with the usual spam like “When Smash 6?”, “Genital Jousting for Switch 2,” and “I will personally blow every Nintendo employee for another Animal Crossing. It’s the only time my wife stays at home with me instead of her boyfriend.”
The new console will be released at a time when Nintendo believes it will be “most inconvenient to you personally.” Miyamoto elaborated: “The plan is to sell it in waves of 12 at a time so everyone has a fair chance. Consumers will be able to join waiting rooms that open on Tuesdays from 3:15-3:17 AM. After that, they’ll need to make an account, which may or may not send them a verification email. Then, they’ll be asked to install and download a separate app that has a yearly subscription fee and will require access to make and manage phone calls, texts, and emails in your settings. Only after all that will you have the chance to buy our brand-new NSSUMM+SE from a scalper because you were too slow.”
It’s a lot to take in, and it’s probably not surprising that Nintendo has chosen to make this process as convoluted as possible. But hey, if a new Mario game is on the horizon, it’s all worth it, right? After all, Mario is literally the best. Personally, I’d definitely blow every single Nintendo employee for another Mario game—it’s the only time my wife stays home with me instead of her boyfriend.
Source: Trust me, bro.
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