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Sony’s been relatively quiet lately. They haven’t done anything groundbreaking in recent years and it seems all of their success is based upon their one banger of a 2016 E3 conference. It definitely seems like the only games they make are sequels from that conference. But just when you think they’re out of ideas, Sony announces something… truly strange.
They’ve officially unveiled a technological breakthrough: the ability for PS5 players to “smell” their games. Yes, you read that right—through the combined efforts of Gordon Ramsay’s culinary genius, Adrien Brody’s airplane wing nose, and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s remarkable ability to detect what he himself has been cooking, Sony is ushering in an era of immersive gaming. All their games—yes, even the ones you never thought needed to be smelled—will now be "100% smellable from top to bottom."
For years, virtual reality was seen as the pinnacle of gaming immersion. But after the PSVR2 sold a staggering 430 units, Sony decided to pivot—and in a move no one saw coming—offered gamers a future they didn’t even know they needed: the world of game smells.
“This technology is amazing,” said lead Sony Sniffologist Nigel Thornberry. “The ability to smell any character or environment opens up levels of immersion we never thought possible. The only problem? I hate it so f***ing much… and it’s ruined any joy I ever had for video games. You think you want to immerse yourself in a world like never before, but trust me, the simple fact is most protagonists smell like shit.”
“Take Ellie or Joel from The Last of Us, for example,” he continued. “You’d think, ‘How bad could it be?’ But because the smell is programmed using AI technologies, it knows exactly what’s in the game world and what isn’t—down to a disturbingly realistic level. There’s no deodorant in the world of The Last of Us, and there is no toilet paper. Yourself and every NPC you meet has treasure troves of crusty unwiped chocolate starfishes for you to enjoy. Suddenly, the real challenge isn’t surviving the apocalypse—it’s trying to keep playing without throwing up.”
While this technology is certainly… innovative, it raises some questions. Why implement it if even the developers are so horrified by it? Some rumors suggest that Sony’s goal is to discourage the growing number of “lewd” fan drawings by, quite literally, making the characters too stinky to sexualize. Apparently, as Sony has attempted to implement AI creation software into their games, the tech keeps generating models of Aloy with “Huge fat knockers”. Assumedly, they hope the new tech will make fans lose interest in their characters. But just sexually, of course.
Sony assures that this scent technology will be mandatory for all games played on their consoles, with no option to turn it off. Of course, we had to test it ourselves, and decided to play the “gooner” safe option of Final Fantasy VII: Rebirth. Sony’s claims were spot-on: the moment we booted up the game, the scent of Tifa’s perfectly shaved—but definitely unwashed—armpits hit us like a garbage truck. Suddenly the blood that would normally be in our wieners was rushing to our brains telling us to do literally anything else.
Things only went downhill from there though. A few minutes later, we found ourselves trapped in an elevator with Barret and Red XIII, and the scent of wet dog mixed with Barrett's greasy, unbathed nutsack had us dry-heaving instantaneously. It was honestly impressive how quickly it went from “mildly immersive” to “I’m questioning all of my life choices.”
The real kicker? Sony already has our money so there isn’t much we can do about this technology as it stands right now. If anything, we are sure there are a few weirdos out there who are absolutely thrilled to get in there and sniff Aloy’s prehistorically pungent panties. While those men have always, and will always exist, it is best to ignore them as we always have. Perhaps Nintendo will hurry up and announce the Nintendo Switch 2, so we can write about literally anything else.
Source: Trust me, bro.
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