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There aren’t many things worse than finding out you haven’t been a good noodle for Christmas than receiving a big lump of coal. Until now, that is. Reports are coming in that Santa Claus will be swapping out the traditional non-renewable resource—previously responsible for giving many elves the “black lung”—in an effort to be more eco-friendly. But this swap is worse than anything we could imagine: children all over the world will be receiving year-long subscriptions to Ubisoft+. Kids haven’t been this upset since they caught Santa munching on their mom’s ass instead of the cookies they left out for him!
“This is worse than a drum set with several megaphones taped to the sides,” lamented one parent, shaking their head in disbelief. “We knew our kid was an absolute troll, spamming ‘GG EZ’ in chats, donating to rich Twitch streamers, and T-bagging any dead body he found in games. We understand there must be some consequences, but a year-long subscription to Ubisoft+!? We’d rather be SWATted, to be honest.”
Ubisoft has spent decades building up a wide range of games across various genres, employing some of the industry's most D-list veterans to ensure that every game maintains that distinct Ubisoft feeling—one that guarantees there won’t be anything worse than what you’re currently doing. It’s truly a remarkable feat to have so many games released by the same company achieve such a phenomenally consistent level of sh*ttiness and mediocrity.
Meanwhile, experts are weighing in on the psychological impact of this new Santa strategy. “The implications of a subscription to Ubisoft+ could be catastrophic,” warned Dr. Jolly N. Grinch, a holiday behavior specialist. “Imagine the endless cycle of disappointment as children realize they’re stuck with games that promise more glitches than fun. It’s like telling them they’re getting a puppy and then delivering a sock puppet instead. We might see a rise in kids seeking therapy, not just to cope with their feelings of betrayal, but also to unpack their deep-seated anger over the absence of fun in Just Dance 2024.” So, while Santa might think he’s being progressive by promoting digital gaming over fossil fuels, he may very well be setting the stage for a new generation of holiday trauma.
It seems Santa Claus knows what a hilariously sh*tty move this is and is gleefully preparing to force kids to play Skull and Bones instead of Shadow of the Erdtree for the next 12 months. Hopefully this form of solitary confinement with terrible games will make these little gremlins realize how good they actually have it. Unfortunately, since beating your children is no longer legal, this might be the next best thing in terms of punishment—at least until we can get someone with some jingle balls to revert that stupid law.
Source: Trust me, bro.
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