President Trump Signs Executive Order to Make Female Video Game Characters Sexy Again

As President of the United States, you’d think there are a few weighty matters on his plate—like the economy, combating systemic racism, and... big, beautiful mommy milkers. But today, Donald Josephine Trump (yes, Josephine), has signed an executive order demanding that game developers make their female characters sexy again. God bless America.

In what might surprise some, this was apparently his top priority among all the executive orders he issued today. The president was reportedly made aware of video games over the past few years, thanks to a very helpful fake gamer—Elon Musk. Musk, who is known for his high-level accounts in some of the grindiest games despite playing for about 10 minutes himself, has taken a keen interest in making sure these games feature the sort of women that would make even you want to carry them away to Epstein's island. When Musk wasn’t too busy sending interns to do his gaming for him, he was apparently very concerned about how “unattractive” women were in modern titles. Enter Trump’s big fix.

In his statement, Josephine Trump said, “This country was built by hard-working men, folks. Hard-working men who knew the value of something to fight for. And what do those men fight for? Women—specifically, their huge, fat, sucky-suck pouches. We have more genders than anyone else, OK? Ugly women too. Not anymore. No more ugly women in video games. We’re going to raise a generation of heroes who know what they’re fighting for when we send them to China. It’s time for soft-core porn games to make a comeback, folks.”

While his speech was... semi-coherent, it’s clear that Trump’s executive order has game developers scrambling. The order will impact not just upcoming releases but games that are already on the market. Patches will be rolling out to make sure every female character is "sexy" enough for an American level of quality. Official government warnings have already been issued for several popular titles, including Star Wars Outlaws, Fable, Unknown 9: Awakening, Silent Hill 2, The Last of Us Part 2 (just Abby, though), Dustborn, Spider-Man 2, Mortal Kombat 1, and The Lord of the Rings: Gollum (still not sure what they’re going to do with that one).

Whether or not this will “fix” America is anyone’s guess. What we do know is that we’re looking forward to playing games with one hand again, just like the good old days. If men can have unrealistic body standards in video games, why can’t women? Hell, we’d kill to look like Sub-Zero with his shirt off. Too bad the closest we’ll ever actually get to that is looking like Roadhog from Overwatch.

Source: Trust me, bro.