PlayStation’s New Handheld Rumored to Be an Entire PS5, with a Screen on Top

PlayStation has been out of the handheld game for a while now. Their last foray into portable gaming, the PSP, was a solid option for gamers who were both poor and loved complaining about terrible games. But now, every platform seems to have their own handheld, so why not throw your hat in the ring and see what sticks? PlayStation has announced that their new handheld was developed in just two months and will be released immediately. It holds the full power of a PS5, weighs about as much as a PS5, and, well, it’s literally just a PS5 with a screen on top.

PlayStation CEO Herman “Hermaphrodite” Hulst released a few key details about what to expect from their latest brainchild. “We saw everyone laughing at the Switch’s ‘Xbox 360 power’, so we decided to make sure ours was powerful enough to run our top-tier exclusives. But, and this is important, I didn’t want to spend a lot of money. So we locked one poor intern in a room with a PS5 and a portable TV, and told him to figure out how to combine the two. One hour later, he came out with the TV duct-taped to the console, and we all just stood there, mouths agape, thinking, ‘Holy sh*t, this guy’s a genius!’ I mean, that’s pretty much what we did with the PlayStation Portal, and look how many of you nerds bought that.”

“There won’t be any controllers attached to the portable console,” Hulst continued. “You’ll have to buy a separate wireless controller that’s exclusive to the handheld, but don’t worry, it’s identical in every way to the regular ones. The console will feature an incredible 4-inch LED 4K screen, because we know how important that is to our fans. Naturally, we had to make a few sacrifices. So, no disc drive, no USB ports, no internet capabilities, andyour game library won’t be compatible with this new hardware.”

Gamers have been desperately asking for a true PS handheld since the release of the PlayStation Portal, but it doesn’t seem like this is really what they had in mind. While keeping the power of the PS5 in a portable device is important, many fans are unsure if the lack of features will be worth the trade-off. But don’t worry—Hulst confirmed that they’ve already figured out a solution for all the missing hardware features. They’ll be sold separately as exclusive add-ons in limited and easily scalpable quantities after the console launches, so you’ll really get to experience that “premium” PlayStation service.

The console is set to release in two days, just in time for the holidays, and will be priced at a modest $899. They refused to clarify whether that’s in USD or Euros, but hey, who needs clarification when you can just charge parents whatever they’re willing to spend around Christmas? The console will officially be called “The PS5,” which is, well, a little sketchy, but we can’t deny it’s a solid strategy to trick parents who are already overwhelmed by holiday shopping. Our guess? They just wanted to get this thing out before the Switch 2 drops, and everyone creams in their pants over what’s likely going to be the most aggressively mediocre generational upgrade anyone has ever seen.

Source: Trust me, bro.