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In an unprecedented move that has gamers and armchair assassins everywhere popping bottles of champagne, IO Interactive has released a new update for Hitman that allows players to add their high school bully as the target of their next contract. The update, dubbed “Revenge is a Dish Best Served Cold (and Often with a Sniper Rifle),” promises to bring a personal touch to the otherwise cold-blooded world of international espionage.
“We’ve heard a lot from our community, and the overwhelming feedback was that players wanted to target someone who had wronged them personally, not just faceless politicians or corrupt CEOs,” said Magnus Karlsson, Lead Developer at IO Interactive. “So, in this new update, you can now upload your bully’s name and photo, and we’ll generate a custom assassination mission based on their high school profile. It's personal this time.”
How It Works
The new feature is simple: after updating the game, players are prompted to enter the name, age, and physical description of their high school tormentor. For an additional fee, you can even upload a yearbook photo for extra authenticity. Once completed, the game uses AI to design an assassination contract tailored to your bully’s “unique” characteristics—whether it’s the jock who stuffed you in a locker or the mean girl who spread that rumor about you.
“We want to make sure it feels real,” Karlsson continued. “You might be sent to the high school gym for a classic ‘accidental’ headshot while they’re reliving their glory days at the prom or perhaps even a mission where you sabotage the high school reunion. We’re talking classic revenge fantasy material here.”
Real-World Impact
As expected, the announcement has caused a social media frenzy. Thousands of players have already uploaded their high school yearbook photos and are eagerly waiting to avenge decades-old slights. Online forums have been flooded with posts like, “I’m finally going to teach Todd from Algebra class who’s boss!” and “Can’t believe I get to take out Kelly, the girl who laughed at my rollerblading skills in ‘98.”
Experts have raised concerns, however, about the potential psychological consequences of this update. Dr. Evelyn Carter, a psychologist specializing in video game behavior, warned that such a personal update could blur the line between fantasy and reality. “While it’s great that players can blow off steam in a virtual environment, I’d advise against acting on any real revenge fantasies. Remember, this is a video game—your bully is likely not still hanging out at the local high school gymnasium, wearing a letterman jacket, 25 years later.”
IO Interactive Responds to Concerns
In response to concerns over the impact of this feature, IO Interactive released a statement saying, “We understand that not everyone may feel comfortable using this feature, which is why we’ve added the option to make your bully’s death as dramatic or as comedic as possible. Want to take them out with a piano falling from a window? No problem. Prefer a more subtle approach with a poisoned protein shake at their high school reunion? We've got you covered.”
“Also,” the statement continued, “for players who prefer to take a more peaceful route, we’ve included a ‘Therapy Mode’ where you can try to reconcile with your bully, invite them for a coffee, and perhaps talk things out. But where’s the fun in that?”
Players Already Getting Creative
Early adopters of the update are already sharing their most creative kill methods. One player, “Agent_XL,” proudly tweeted, “Just snuck into my bully’s wedding reception and swapped his best man’s speech with a heartfelt apology letter from me. Best. Mission. Ever. #RevengeIsSweet.”
Some players have even turned the experience into an online support group, sharing their trauma and strategies in a series of threads with titles like, “How to Assassinate the Guy Who Told Everyone You Were ‘That Kid Who Ate Glue’”.
This Hitman update has left many wondering if the next major DLC will allow players to take out their exes or perhaps that one co-worker who always eats the last donut. Whatever the case, one thing is clear: revenge has never been so... interactive.
Source: Trust me, bro.
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