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Hideo Kojima is many things: glasses enthusiast, English aficionado, and full-time pretend best friend of Geoff Keighley. Sure, he’s paid for the last role, but to say he’s not a man of many talents would be a gross understatement. His creations are so ingenious that most people who play his games claim they suck. “Too many cutscenes,” “Too much Norman Reedus ass,” and “Not enough anime titties” are just a few of the frequent complaints we see online. Those comments only further prove his utter omnipotence over us mere mortals because only he could come up with something as brilliantly genre-defining as a ‘strand-type game.” Our lord and savior, Hideo Kojima, is back once again to prove he’s better than all of us with his next title: Steel Cog Sturdy.
This game, which is allegedly a brand-new story, stars an eye-patch wearing protagonist named Ekans. He’s a master of espionage and a variety of close-quarters combat techniques. Kojima’s been unusually tight-lipped about this project, but he knows there are at least six people who would play this game, and he plans to please all of them. Recently, he shared a few tantalizing details about his upcoming title on his podcast Anything but Konami. Of course, it was all in Japanese, but we generously ran the transcript through Google Translate for the benefit of our readers.
Kojima began the podcast as he always does: with a hearty, “Konami can lick the back flap of my nutsack after I used it to wipe my own ass with their restraining order.” After a few minutes of introductions, incoherent ramblings about “them Jews,” and roughly a dozen cans being opened, he finally got to the point.
“Norman Reedus and the Funky Fetus was a great game,” he said, slurring slightly, “but I want to share with you something that’s going to be even better. My new game, set in a brand-new world, called Steel Cog Sturdy. It’s going to feature double—no, triple!—the cutscenes of any other Met- I mean game I’ve created. We’ll put in so many cutscenes, your controller will die, and you’ll forget you were ever playing a game in the first place.”
Unfortunately, that’s where the transcript became a garbled mess—something about a bad connection and the words becoming too slurred for even AI to decipher. But is this news really worth celebrating? After all, these kinds of games get announced and then never spoken of again. The Elder Scrolls 6 announcement is about as old as Skyrim was when Elder Scrolls 6 was announced. What the actual f**k? At least it gave Bethesda a sweet 2.5% bump in stock prices that quarter. Now that’s what gamers really want.
Source: Trust me, bro.
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