Game Awards Ad Slots Skyrocket to $500,000 per Second, and One Good Morning Text to Geoff Keighley Personally

The Game Awards has become an insanely popular show in recent years. With E3 gone and most Nintendo Directs being god-awful, there aren’t many big gaming events left to look forward to. It seems companies are starting to realize this, and are doing whatever they can to get their games featured at the show. The only problem? Geoff Keighley, host and organizer of the Game Awards, has also realized this and is planning to milk these companies the same way they milk gamers—until he feels "a sense of pride and accomplishment."

The Game Awards brought in 118 million views last year, so it makes sense that companies would want to be part of it. Apparently, $500,000 a second is now the price for a chance to feature their games in an ad slot. “Hey, Muppet bits aren’t cheap!” Geoff quipped, explaining the new rate. “This show is basically just one big ad now, and I’ll be damned if I let some company trick me into showing their crappy game without paying me out the a**. Unless you're Hideo Kojima. As long as you admit on live TV that we’re best friends, you can show your game for free. But that's the only exception!”

In the fine print of the ad contract we managed to obtain, we noticed another stipulation: “Positive affirming good morning texts to Geoff Keighley’s personal cell phone once a day.” We reached out to Geoff, and here’s what he had to say:

“Look, man, everyone is always asking, ‘Why did Geoff allow a terrorist on stage? Why did Geoff put a DLC in the Game Awards? Why didn’t Geoff announce GTA 7 at the Game Awards?’ I’m sick and tired of being told I’m not doing good enough. I work so fu**ing hard to bring you nerds this show, and all anyone does is type ‘L’ in the chat like they would’ve done better. I need someone to tell me I’m doing a good job. Give me an ‘atta boy’ every now and then y’know? I need this, man. I need this.”

While we knew Geoff was a hardworking man, we had no idea the extent of the criticism he’s been taking. We suggested he call his best friend Kojima for some moral support, but he declined, stating his new phone doesn’t have Kojima’s number. I guess sometimes, no amount of money can fill that empty void. Sometimes, all you need is a good morning text telling you you're doing okay. (And, of course, $500,000 per second still.)