Fortnite to Add Skins Like the Michelin Man and Spongy the Bounty Paper Towel as Devs Exhaust All Other Available IPs

It looks like Fortnite might finally be hitting the plateau of its exponential growth. The hit game for 8-year-olds and pedophiles alike has been doing IP collaborations for years to stay relevant and give gaming journalists a reason to keep writing about it. John Wick, Kratos from God of War, and Godzilla with some Nikes on his feet are all skins that you can use to floss with in the game. They aren’t done collaborating yet, though— a new string of announcements has Fortnite developer Epic diving into the world of advertising to bring us skins we not only haven’t heard of, but we really don’t want either.

While collaborations are a great way for young gamers to learn about IP they haven’t heard of before, it also retroactively destroys the beloved respect you used to have for that IP in the first place. We here at the Peanut Gallery have punched several children for saying “It’s Dark Bader and Obi-One Cannoli” from Fortnite. It hurts deep that the only connection these kids have to these beloved IPs is from a video game that refuses to die. Their next season might begin to ruffle some feathers and garner some considerable groans from gamers as it will focus entirely on adding advertising mascots into the game. Apparently, they have added every single other available IP in existence, and this is all they have left.

The new season, which will be called Commercial Chaos, will focus on inputting as many brand names into the game as they are legally allowed. Here is a list of some leaked skins from the upcoming season:

• The Vlasic Stork (from pickle jars)

  
  

• The Michelin Man (from tire stores and fancy restaurants)

  
  

• Clippy (from your childhood PC that you loved to hate)

  
  

• Frito Bandito (from slightly racist corn chips)

  
  

• Betty Crocker (from Dollar Store utensils)

  
  

• Spongy the Bounty Paper Towel (from your rich friend's kitchen that could afford name-brand paper towels)

  
  

• The Mouth and Lips (from Dairy Queen’s weirdest ad campaign)

  
  

• The Quiznos Spongemonkeys (from that sandwich place nobody liked)

  
  

This list is quite small to fill an entire season, so we fully expect there to be many more additions to this zany cast of characters. It certainly will ruin any level of gaming immersion that was left when Optimus Prime has to fight the Vlasic pickle Stork, for f**k sake.

We looked a little deeper into the files of the leak and found that equipping these skins means players will automatically be opted into receiving promotional emails and materials from these companies and will have to pay a “small” 15-cent protection fee each time they use it. Apparently, this fee is in place to protect these companies from being represented poorly when Betty Crocker is recorded hurling racial insults at minors online.

It’s not all bad, though. By choosing to use the skin, you can also earn “brand loyalty credits” by representing the company in a positive light and giving them free advertising. Players can be rewarded with up to 1,000 “WimboWambo” points for each session of gameplay in an advertiser’s skin. These WimboWambo points are exchanged for Zimbabwe dollars at a rate of 1,000:1 and then exchanged back into U.S. dollars for use with that company’s products. We don’t do numbers very well, but seeing 1,000 so many times has us excited, and we can’t wait to sign up and start playing this season! 

Source: Trust me, bro.