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Final Fantasy 7 has proven itself to be a true powerhouse in modern media in recent years. Its combination of hot women, anime grunting, and racial stereotypes has helped drive player engagement and game sales. The most recent entry, Final Fantasy 7 Rebirth, was nominated for Game of the Year but didn’t quite hit the projected sales numbers of 5 billion Square Enix had hoped for. And no, that 5 billion isn’t in dollars—it's copies sold.
Square Enix, in traditional Japanese fashion, sets lofty sales predictions for their games, only to claim they "didn’t quite reach expectations." Fear not though, Square Enix may have found a way around that with their next entry. Instead of releasing the final part of their already split trilogy as a complete game, they’re going to stretch it out into 36 weekly episodes, each priced at a modest $4.99. Simply genius.
We reached out to Naoki Hamaguchi, Director of Final Fantasy 7 Rebirth, for comment on this bold new direction. He had a lot to say. “The CEOs at Square are worse than my parents. ‘Why can’t you be more like Grand Theft Auto!? Grand Theft Auto sells so much every month. You should be more like them.’ I finally just said, ‘F*ck it.’ I was really trying to bring a classic game franchise into the modern age, but I forgot that what really matters is not the art—it’s selling seven different Aerith bathing suit skin packs for $12, according to our shareholders.”
Hamaguchi was visibly upset but continued: “Honestly, I don’t have much say in the financial decisions. I just make the game, so they can chop it into cliffhangers until it looks like a Netflix series. They want to create a whole year of FOMO with weekly episodes instead of just releasing the damn game all at once. Kill me now.”
Square Enix, as usual, has a knack for ruining a good thing. It feels almost inevitable they’d screw up the final part of a trilogy they’ve been building toward for 10 years. What’s even scarier is the possibility that other companies could follow suit if this works. After all, we've already seen companies trick customers into paying to beta test their unfinished games, play games 2 days early, and buy armor for their virtual horse no one but them will see. So yeah, there are definitely people out there who would happily ruin it for the rest of us who enjoy saving money.
To add to the intrigue, Square Enix also announced they’ll be skipping the Xbox platform once again. Because, according to them, no amount of money is worth “helping Phil Spencer” at this point.
Source: Trust me, bro.
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