EA’s Next Star Wars Game Will Be a “Darth Vader Fan’s Dream,” Letting You Kill As Many Children As You Want

Darth Vader’s role in EA’s Star Wars games has been a bit of a rollercoaster. One minute, he’s the iconic badass we all know and love; the next, he’s a convenient plot device used to make minority Jedi look cooler than they really are. Ever since EA struck that deal with the devil (The Walt Disney Company) and snagged a 10-year Star Wars exclusivity contract, they haven’t exactly been taking risks with the franchise. In fact, during that entire contract, they released a measly three Star Wars games. Understandably, this upset fans more than when Rian Johnson spent two hours and 32 minutes pissing all over their nostalgia and called it subverting expectations. But fear not! EA is about to redeem themselves by allowing us to play as Darth Vader, and yes, we’ll be able to murder as many children as we want.

Disney, as we know, loves to play it safe. They’ll remake fan-favorite films, hand out exclusivity deals to reputable companies, and open their theme parks during a pandemic—because they care about the general public’s needs over making profit. Star Wars is no exception, with Disney mostly using it as a golden goose to siphon your childhood nostalgia straight into the three numbers on the back of your credit card.

But now EA is ready to try something different—something that taps into that iconic moment from Revenge of the Sith, the one where Anakin Skywalker goes full psycho on a group of helpless younglings. EA’s representative, Gríma Wormtongue, took to the Battle.net forums to discuss what players can expect from this new project.

“We’ve always loved the ‘youngling massacre’ scene from Revenge of the Sith,” Wormtongue said. “The fact that those kids just die and you know Anakin murders them without a second thought is… hilarious. The only thing that could make it better is if there were a couple of Jar-Jar kids in the mix. Well, guess what? That’s exactly what we did. You’re gonna be saying ‘Youssa in big doo-doo now, Jar-Jar.’”

“The game’s gameplay is split right down the middle,” Wormtongue continued. “50% combo-based child murder, and 50% wet dream sequences featuring Padmé in revealing outfits. We wanted the combat experience to mimic the youngling scene as accurately as possible. So, while the children can’t block or defend themselves, the player will have full access to every force power imaginable: Force Lightning, Force Crush, Force Throw, Force Choke, Force Punt, and even some fun and silly hats to wear. Reach high combo scores, and you can even pull off fatalities, Mortal Kombat-style.”

So far, the game sounds… interesting, to say the least. Rumor has it, EA has brought in the actual director of Mortal Kombat’s signature X-ray moves to make every force-powered attack feel as brutal as possible. This game could be perfect for Star Wars fans who, deep down, are just twisted and sick enough to get a kick out of this kind of thing.

Source: Trust me, bro.