.png)
Electronic Arts is known for a few things, and they all seem to follow a familiar pattern: being just awful. They've won the "Worst Company in American History" award multiple times—competing with giants like UnitedHealthcare for that coveted title. They also hold the world record for the single most downvoted comment in Reddit history (not an easy feat, especially with companies like Nestlé lurking around). And, perhaps most importantly, they’ve released some truly terrible games. It seems that isn’t changing anytime soon because, as of today, January 2nd, they’ve already abandoned their New Year’s resolution to improve.
Many people love to point to the rare outliers in EA’s history to defend their awful games, as if they have a large stock investment in EA’s portfolio. This is some weird simp behavior because 1. EA doesn’t know who these people are and never will—much like the simps who actually donate to OnlyFans models—and 2. EA’s entire business model is built on taking advantage of folks with questionable judgment and plenty of expendable cash. At this point, it seems their entire fanbase may have a severe case of Stockholm syndrome, making it impossible to convince them that EA doesn’t actually care about providing them with a sense of “pride and accomplishment.”
Let’s take a look at some reasons why EA abandoned their New Year’s resolution so quickly.
EA holds a monopoly over every important sports video game. These games, often played by children, are largely ignored by the gaming community because the Venn diagram of people who love sports and video games is shockingly narrow. However, for those who do, EA has mastered the art of FOMO with their yearly releases, which change nothing but the cover image and offer you the chance to gamble for Messi all over again. Shameful? Sure, but it rarely gets talked about, probably because the folks deeply invested in sports simulators are the equivalent of guys who are really into armpits. Best to let them have their weird ambitions and forget they exist.
EA also held a monopoly on Star Wars video games for 10 years and somehow managed to screw it up just as badly as Disney did with the sequel trilogy. When George Lucas wanted a break from crafting absolute bangers—like Anakin successfully wooing Padmé by casually mentioning he just murdered “women and children”—he let other companies fill the creative gap. We got amazing games from multiple studios, like The Force Unleashed, KOTOR, and Battlefront 2 (2005). “BuT Ea HaS mAdE lOtS oF gOoD StAr WaRs GaMeS,” people will say, collectively sporting the IQ of a candy necklace and a rake. EA’s games SEEM good only because we have nothing else to compare them to. They’ve also canceled more Star Wars projects than they’ve actually released. Why? Because, well, EA is just terrible.
Now, this can’t be fully verified, but we’ve heard rumors that EA executives have been spotted in hospital wards feeding on newborn babies. Apparently, when you land a high-level position at the company, you have to sign a contract “with your own blood” to their largest investor, Mr. Natas Eht Lived. Again, this isn’t 100% verifiable, but it certainly seems plausible. No company could find so many ways to churn out the same mediocre slop year after year, buy and shut down multiple beloved studios, and have so many pop-ups begging for the three digits on the back of your parents’ credit card each time you log in without some kind of satanic intervention.
It was admirable of them to at least try to break the cycle of sh**tiness, but old habits die hard, we guess? Surprisingly, this isn't the first time EA has made a resolution like this either. Apparently they have been making the same resolution for over 40 years when the company first began and they just can't seem to make it stick. Either way, we wish EA the best of luck—next year’s resolution is sure to give us even more to laugh about!
Source: Trust me, bro.
Comments