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As we approach the new year, it’s time to look back and give a definitive “I told you so” to everyone who thought prioritizing politics over gameplay in a VIDEO GAME was a good idea. Dustborn, Unknown 9: Awakening, and Dragon Age: The Veilguard have all witnessed the ‘modern audience’ supporting their games in droves. In fact, DA: The Veilguard has been so wildly successful that it hasn’t released any public sales numbers—only that it’s doing “vaguely well” compared to the sales of Concord. Finally, we might get some answers as to why this game laid such a huge fart: the developers simply “didn’t really feel like it.”
Months of articles with titles like “BioWare's Return to Form,” “BioWare’s Back, Baby!” and our personal favorite from IGN, “Dragon Age: The Veilguard Really Makes You FEEL Like BioWare,” have desperately tried to convince gamers that we’re wrong for wanting to play a game that allows us to escape reality. Instead, Dragon Age: The Veilguard did more to remind us of what it’s like to be paired up with HR at a company picnic.
Fantasy racism isn’t a real problem, so you can engage with it because it doesn’t actually hurt anyone. In fact, it might teach some valuable lessons about the realities of life, since not every interaction involves people who care about these issues. As a white guy, the first time I experienced racism was while playing Skyrim as a Khajit (a human/feline creature). An NPC I had never met muttered “Smelly cat..” under their breath as I walked by. That taught me more about modern-day racism right there than any overly long lecture on right and wrong ever could. That’s because that sh*t was real.
As think pieces titled “10 Reasons DA: The Veilguard Didn’t Work” start rolling in from the same journalists who praised the game during early access, we can see why it actually failed. “We didn’t really feel like it,” said the game’s director, Corinne “FatBush” Busche. “Honestly, when we started this project and took a hard look at everything we had to do to make a modern RPG, it all sounded, like, really hard. But we still wanted to show every person who bought our game what a racist piece of sh*t they were. So we said, ‘F**k it! EA has lots of money.’ We’ll make the game linear, won’t make any past choices matter, and choose the worst art style possible. It was actually a blessing in disguise; we could hire so many outside consultants to tell us what to include to teach gamers important life lessons while simultaneously achieving the absolute lowest sales figures imaginable.”
“If you don’t like it, don’t buy it—simple as that,” “FatBush” noted. “I can keep coming up with vague numbers to make the game sound successful. We sold more lifetime copies than the first three hours of Spelunky on Switch, and we had a higher concurrent player count than Concord on PC. DA: The Veilguard had more visibly upset players than every other Dragon Age game combined.”
It was reported that a pink slip was handed to “FatBush” later that day, as EA enjoys making money. The only problem seems to be that the people in charge of telling them how to make money have somehow found their way to the top.
Source: Trust me, bro.
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